How do we know it's time?

It's been almost five years since Zack and I got married and we recently have both received a spiritual confirmation that, even though IVF costs about as much money as I make in a year, it finally feels right.

So…what does that mean? The right timing? Many people have tried to console me through the pains of infertility by talking about God's timing. While I believe that God has a plan for me and my family, I've found myself questioning God's love for me because he has been making me wait so long for what I consider to be a righteous desire. The waiting has been so painful. Even now, it's scary to think that, even with IVF, God could say, "Nope…sorry. Not yet."

So, I was driving in my car on the freeway one day when I got overwhelmed with a wave of… we'll, let's call it peace, for lack of better words. Zack and I had been entertaining the idea of IVF again. We prayed fervently, and kept feeling like we had to wait, but suddenly, I was in my car, nowhere special, completely overwhelmed by the answer of yes. "Yes, this is the time to go through IVF. You've got this."

Not long after that, Zack told me that he also felt strongly that it was time to proceed with treatments.

It seems impossible to describe the feeling to those who may not believe in God or those who have not experienced every up and down with us along the way. 

How do I describe the difference between desperately wanting a baby v.s. knowing that now is the time to act on that desire—Now is the time to face this mountain?

It's intimidating to know that there are some people…good, loving people…who might not understand all the intricate reasons we are choosing now to bring another child into the world.

Yes, we have limitations. Yes we are flawed. Yes, it's possible that insurance might be able to cover treatments in the future. No, we are not wealthy. Yes, we have disabilities. Yes, we already have one child while others have none. Yes, sometimes August drives us crazy and he needs a lot of attention. Yes, having children is a ton of work. Yes, it's going to be really difficult.

While all of those things are true and important to consider, they do not disqualify us from being amazing parents and offering our children a secure and stable home.

We are rich in so many ways. I am grateful that all of our needs are met. We have a large support group, medications to help us with our disabilities, amazing therapists, strong faith, an intense amount of love, and a desire for peace in the home.

I know that pregnancy plus raising a baby will be a boss mode challenge, but I have been so blessed with a powerful marriage. My husband and I work so well together. Zack lifts me up and, I know it sounds cheesy, but he is my person…my eternity, and there is nothing I want more than to create and raise a baby with him. I already see how much Zack loves August and how much he sacrifices for that boy.

Love multiplies, never divides and all of our children will be cherished by us—all of us, including August, a natural born leader who has been aching for a sibling his entire life.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as perfect circumstances for bringing kids into the world. Life has a way of trolling us. One minute, things seem amazing, the next, everything falls apart. Life ebbs and flows. Well, things are not perfect. Life is still a challenge, but this I know, I don't want to miss any more moments with my future babies when I know now is a blessing. Now is the time to act.